American Idol Season 8Top 36 Group 3

Simon: I just don't get the shopping thing.
Kara: I mean, I wanna know what she's like.
Simon: I mean shop what? Shoes? Popcorn?
Kara: Wait! I'm trying to see what she's like as a person, personality. Is she bubbly? Is she sweet? I'm not getting that.
Simon: What breakfast cereal do you like?
Randy: Do you like soy milk or regular milk?
Simon: Exactly.

The above exchange during Taylor Vaifanua's review Tuesday night essentially summed up the problem with Season 8 of "American Idol." Why are the judges looking for shallow, superficial qualities -- such as Kara wondering, "What's it like to go shopping with Taylor?" -- instead of just worrying about whether contestants are viable singers? Frankly, we don't give a rat's ass about what it's like to go shopping with anyone. We just want to know if their music is going to move us.

Though Group 3 was far from perfect, as a whole they were much better than Groups 1 and 2. They were mostly -- but not always -- in tune. And if we are going to spend 11 weeks listening to singing, we'd certainly rather listen to the better singers, not just the three fortunate enough to squeak through from each group. What is inherently wrong with the Wild Card system is that better singers in stronger groups lose their shot, while lesser contestants from weaker groups make it through. We'd rather listen to Von Smith, who is doomed unless he grabs a Wild Card slot, than Michael Sarver. And was Felicia Barton dragged back to Hollywood after Joanna Pacitti was disqualified, just so medicore-but-blind Scott MacIntyre or Kris Allen could steal the spot she deserves more than them?

When you let people grow week-by-week and eliminate the ones who receive the least votes, instead of putting through the ones with the most votes, you have a better chance of getting the best mix of singers into the finals.

Plus, the way things are shaping up, the finals will be top heavy with guys. Right now, the count is 4 boys, 2 girls. And it looks as if it will be 6-3 going into the Wild Card round. So unless the judges pick three more women in that round-- which is highly *Anoop Desai* unlikely -- it will be, at best, 7 guys vs. 5 girls.

One interesting note: Many of the song titles seemed to fit the contestants who sang them on Tuesday.

We're the first to admit that we hated Von Smith prior to Tuesday night, and were prepared to turn our nose up once more at the overly dramatic, shouting singer who vaguely resembles Michael Bublé. But guess what (and this is why week-to-week growth is more interesting to watch than a one-shot selection)? He turned us around with his performance of Marvin Gaye's "You're All I Need to Get By" [fitting song title alert]. He toned down the theatrics while at the same time giving the song a contemporary vibe. And, he didn't shout. Although we didn't necessarily agree with Simon Cowell, who said Von was reminiscent of Clay Aiken, we thought it was the best opener thus far. Though we could have lived without the pointy-head hair.

Watch video of Von Smith singing "You're All I Need to Get By" by Marvin Gaye

Any high hopes we had for Taylor Vaifanua after watching her audition in Salt Lake City were dashed with her weak performance of Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You," [fitting song title alert] though we do give her the prize for most-improved post-audition appearance. She's become quite stunning since getting to Hollywood. Unfortunately, the transformation didn't carry over to her voice, which seemed overwhelmed by a song that was bigger than it was. Other than leaving Kara DioGuardi "cold" and wanting to go shopping with her, the judges found Taylor's performance bland and boring. We'd have to agree and throw in pitchy, as well.

Watch video of Taylor Vaifanua singing "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys

We bestow the "Trainwreck of the Night Award" on Alex Wagner-Trugman, who we previously found gawky, or in his words, "dorky." Brooke White warned you Alex: Don't Google yourself. His rendition of Elton John's "I Guess That Why They Call It the Blues" [fitting song title alert] started out OK, then went totally spastic, both physically and vocally. Alex started doing jerky dance movements, eventually accidentally dropping the mic stand, and added, as Simon said, a "ridiculous growling" element to his singing. Though Alex said he was just trying to have fun, the whole thing came off as comical, and nor in a good way, like Nick Marshall. It went way beyond dorky, all the way to weird. The judges had nary a kind word to say, though Paula Abdul tried to couch the criticism -- and laughter -- with "You certainly are the showman."

Watch video of Alex Wagner-Trugman singing "I Guess That Why They Call It the Blues" by Elton John

Coming in a close second for the trainwreck award was Arianna Afsar, who has a powerhouse voice, but made a hot mess of ABBA's "The Winner Takes It All" [fitting song title/lyrics alert: The winner takes it all/The loser standing small/Beside the victory/That's her destiny]. Trying to put her own spin on the song, her voice went all over the place, as did her tempo: at times was in ahead of the music, other times she was behind it. It sounded as if she had never rehearsed it with the band. Plus, the first half of the song trudged along interminably. When the judges asked her why such as sunny, cute-as-a-button girl would sing a song that was so dark, depressing and dreary (Simon compared the first half to a funeral), Arianna said she knew it was an old song, but she tried to make it contemporary. Cowell put it succinctly: "Well you didn't," adding that it was her "worst performance by a clear mile."

Watch video of Arianna Afsar singing "The Winner Takes It All" by ABBA

Fortunately, the show took an upward turn at this point (hey, it only took four contestants). We had been rooting for Ju'Not Joyner since last season. We think this year is the young father's time to shine. He once again sang the Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah," and was even better than when he sang it in Hollywood. It was his own R&B spin on the song. Ju'Not made it tender and sensitive. He hit a bad note here and there, but overall it was a really nice performance, and we're pulling for him to get that third finalist's spot tonight (there's no stopping the dynamic Lil Rounds or the less-than-dynamic Scott MacIntyre). The judges give him good reviews, with Randy Jackson telling Ju'Not that he loved the way he switched the song up (so did we). Though calling it "a little bit safe," Simon said Ju'Not the performance was better than he thought it was going to be.

Watch video of Ju'Not Joyner singing "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's

Though she has a powerful voice that we never quite expect, something that we can't define about Kristen McNamara has annoyed us since her audition. She puts a not unpleasing spin on Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason" [fitting song title/lyrics alert: Give me one reason to stay here/and I'll turn right back around], but to parrot Kara, the whole thing left us cold. Kara and Paula both praise her voice, but would prefer to hear a song with more of a rock edge, something by Kelly Clarkson or P!nk. Simon and Randy can't figure out who Kristen is (maybe they should go shopping with her :b), with Randy adding that she did too much with the song.

Watch video of Kristen McNamara singing "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman

Nathaniel Marshall like's to stand out: He has studs in his face, tattoos all over his arms and wears what Simon calls an Olivia Newton-John headband (and who Randy twice refers to as Elton John, duh!). Sadly for Nate, the one thing that doesn't stand out is his voice. Truth be told, we fell asleep during his performance and had to rewind the DVR (OK, we didn't rewind it, we heard enough to know we didn't want to hear the part we missed). His version of Meatloaf's "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" [fitting song title alert, even Simon remarked on it] was boring. We kept hearing from the judges and Nathaniel himself that he's a fun guy. So much fun, in fact, that instead of shopping, Kara wants him to be her karaoke partner (doesn't she have any friends?). But we didn't have fun. Whereas Simon called it excruciating, for us it was quite literally a snooze.

Watch video of Nathaniel Marshall singing "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" by Meatloaf

So, this is our first time to really get a good listen of Felicia Barton after seeing maybe a 3-second clip of her audition. Know what? She sounds good. In fact, she sounds a lot better than Joanna Pacitti did during her time on "Idol." So the question is: Why the hell didn't Barton make the Top 36? She certainly has a better voice than 80 percent of the women in that group. Did she resemble Pacitti too much to win a spot? It makes no sense. We're impressed with her look (as Kara would say, she's got the whole package) as well as her rendition of Alicia Keys' "No One." Unfortunately, she'll never make it past Lil Rounds tonight, but hopefully the judges will be wise enough to award her a Wild Card slot. She deserves it. The judges pile on the praise, with Paula telling her that her "gift is unbelievable," Randy saying it was hot and Kara saying she had attitude and presence. Only Simon takes a step back from the tongue bath, calling it "a bit copycat."

Watch video of Felicia Barton singing "No One" by Alicia Keys

Scott MacIntyre was probably the contestant most viewers were waiting to hear -- but for all the wrong reasons. Will they continue to love the visually impaired singer? Of course. We were only waiting to see if he was as boring and vanilla as his audition. Guess what? He was. There are many things to admire about MacIntyre, but his vocals aren't one of them. He chose to sing "Mandolin Rain," by Bruce Hornsby and the Range. It's not even a great song when Hornsby does it, and was less so by Scott. He had trouble with some of the notes. The power note at the end was OK, but really, it was too little, too late. The audience applause was way out of proportion with the performance. Randy says it wasn't the most perfect vocal and that there were some problems, but the parts that were great, were really really great. Kara talks about his passion and says, "And when you have issues with the vocal, it doesn't matter, because it's coming from your heart." Paula calls Scott "one of our finest." Simon says he wasn't crazy about the song or lyrics, but that Scott is growing on him because he is beginning to believe in himself and that Scott's the one he'll remember from tonight (why?). Cowell also predicts that Scott will sail through to the next round. Sadly, we're sure he's right.

Watch video of Scott MacIntyre singing "Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby and The Range

We remember once saying the Beard wasn't a great last name for a female singer, but that was about all we remembered about Kendall Beard. Oh, yes, she was the blonde Texan who was the first contestant to make it through in San Juan. Savvy move, we guess. She's definitely a country singer and proved it with her rendition of "This One's for the Girls" by Martina McBride [fitting song title alert]. It started off better than it ended, getting, as Cowell called it, "a little shrilly at the end," adding that country isn't his cup of tea. Still, Kendell has a decent voice, a nice country vibe and what Paula proclaims is "the best outfit." Randy thinks the song choice was right, even if the vocals weren't her best. Probably doesn't matter. She won't get through tonight. A Wild Card opportunity? Maybe, if only because they want a country artist. Then again, maybe not.

Watch video of Kendall Beard singing "This One's for the Girls" by Martina McBride

The final male slot of the evening goes to Jorge Nuñez. We think the "Idol" producers desperately want a Hispanic in the finals, even possibly as their champion. It's a market they haven't really tapped yet. We are reminded that Kara told Jorge at his audition that he had some trouble with his English pronunciations. Problem fixed! He's been taking diction lessons (Who pays? Him or the show?). The lessons are so successful, there's not even a trace of an accent on Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" [fitting song title alert]. But the diction is almost too perfect, killing some of the passion in an otherwise very well-sung song. Paula gushes over his hard work and performance, telling him she just wants to squeeze him. Simon tells her to go ahead (she doesn't) then adds, "You heart him, don't you?" Then Simon says, "You know what? I think we were wrong to say to you that you shouldn't sing with an accent, because why should we? You're from Puerto Rico, you've got a good voice, it makes you different. I think you should be who you are. You're actually a very very good singer. And I like the fact that you sound a bit different. I mean, there are, [with a bit of sarcasm] believe it not, Spanish artists who've actually done incredibly well. They have an accent because they're Spanish. Who cares?" Paula then astounds Simon by saying to Jorge, "Will you just speak so we can hear your accent?" Jorge becomes tongue-tied, while Simon looks dumbfounded, rolls his eyes and says "I'm sorry, but that is so patronizing." And he's right. Randy and Kara lavish Jorge with more praise. He tears up. We're angry that he won't claim his rightful spot tonight because of Scott. So there.

Watch video of Jorge Nuñez singing "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Elton John

The pimp spot goes to Lil Rounds. We liked her in the past, but without the hot passion others have for her. However, Tuesday she did blow us away with Mary J. Blige's "Be Without You." She looked great (though her booty makes J.Lo's look small) and the vocals were spot on. She owned that pimp spot and assured herself a place in the finals. Simon said, "Lil, I'm going to keep this very brief -- brilliant," also telling her "I think you have great, great prospects in this competition. And I think you are, undoubtedly, one of the best singers we have found this year. I like you." The other judges were similarly effusive, with Randy telling her "You kept your swagger on," whatever that means. (We'll have to look it up in our Randy-English dictionary). Paula called her "first class," then cutely added, "I have a sneaking suspicion we're gonna see you for many more lil rounds."

Watch video of Lil Rounds singing "Be Without You" by Mary J. Blige

Who should get a finalist slot tonight: Lil Rounds, Jorge Nuñez, Ju'Not Joyner
Who will get a finalist slot tonight: Lil Rounds, Scott MacIntyre, Ju'Not Joyner

Our ranking of Tuesday's performances, from best to trainwreck:
Lil Rounds
Jorge Nuñez
Ju'Not Joyner
Felicia Barton
Kendall Beard
Scott MacIntyre
Von Smith, Kristen McNamara (tie)
Nathaniel Marshall
Taylor Vaifanua
Arianna Afsar
Alex Wagner-Trugman

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© 2009

American Idol Season 8Hollywood Week Group Day

UPDATE: For those of you interested in knowing the Top 36 right now, there has been a change in the lineup after last night's show. To see the updated list, click on the link Season 8 Top 36 on the right.

Ah, Group Day. The drama, the catfights, the ... boredom. Excuse us, drama queens or drama-queen lovers, but we don't watch "Idol" for the drama, we watch for the singing. And on the chaotic Group Day episode, it was a full 30 minutes before we even heard a note sung. We weren't happy. We've been waiting to hear these voices for four weeks.

Of course, the drama involved only the girls, and that included the always teary-eyed Nate Marshall, who is quickly getting on our last nerve. In fact, Nate is on our short list of the most exasperating drama queens of Group Day, which is headed by Tatiana Del Toro and also includes Katrina "Bikini Girl" Darrell and Kristin McNamara.

Most of the contestants form cohesive groups fairly quickly, except for Tatiana, whose horrid laugh is only matched by her psycho behavior on Group Day. Finding herself without a group (what a shock!), she runs over to one and inserts herself into it. Within minutes, they're less than overjoyed, as she begins to manipulate and give orders. Yet, as Tatiana sees it, her group is out to sabotage her. So she leaves them to insinuate herself into another group, made up of Nate, Kristin (who welcomes Tatiana with open arms) and Nancy Wilson. Nate and Nancy aren't too happy about reforming the group, but finally capitulate. When, surprise! Tatiana decides to rejoin her original group, which includes Muna Hiluf and Kaylin.

At this point, we're getting so dizzy from the antics, we consider reaching for the Dramamine. Nancy, who knows how much is riding on the next day's performance, has a fit and calls Tatiana out on it. Tatiana, who could care less, basically says, yeah, well, I'm sorry, get over it. We begin to wonder if Tatiana is really that crazy or if the producers scripted the whole thing and put her up to these stunts by guaranteeing her a free pass to the next round in exchange for creating scenes. We'd put nothing past the show's producers.

Watch video of drama queen Tatiana

Watch video of more drama with Tatiana

Meanwhile, we are also (mis)treated to the dysfunctions of Team Diva, which includes the estimable Jasmine Murray, as well as Lauren Barnes, Rose Flack and pain-in-the-ass Bikini Girl. We love doomed Rose Flack, who not only hates Bikini Girl, but also accurately foresees the future, saying "we're going to be that group that gets up there and is just an absolute train wreck." To no one's surprise (well not ours, at least), Bikini Girl flakes out on the rest of her team and trots off to bed. The rest of the group don't know what they're going to do as Bikini Girl hasn't rehearsed. Not to worry, the next morning, she claims to be sick and essentially abandons them ... until she decides not to and unexpectedly shows up in the waiting area telling them "I'm here. Teach me what I missed." Rose storms off in a huff.

Watch video of drama queen Katrina "Bikini Girl" Darrell

Finally, we get some singing. Simon Cowell warns the contestants that if they forget their words they are out. As we said yesterday, the dynamics of group day can bring down even the best singers -- or elevate them.

In the latter category was the first group to perform, Team White Chocolate -- composed of India Morrison, Matt Giraud, Kris Allen and Justin Williams -- who perform a rap/singing version of The Jackson 5's "I Want You Back." It is so entertaining and so professional -- especially considering it was put together overnight -- that it's possibly the best group performance we've ever witnessed. As Ryan Seacreast says, "All the contestants are cheering now, but on the inside they're saying, 'Damn, I wish we were that good.'" No surprise, Kara DioGuardi announces that all of them are through to the next round. Wow! If this is a precursor of the rest of the groups, it's going to be a great 30 minutes. Unfortunately, it is not.

Watch video of Team White Chocolate (India Morrison, Matt Giraud, Kris Allen and Justin Williams)

We next see three different groups make a mess of the lyrics and melody of The Temptations "Get Ready." Austin Sisneros, making it up as he goes along, ends a line with do-do instead of "you do." Shelby Swartwood not only forgets all her lyrics, singing "heeeeeeeey, na na na na na," she sings off-key to boot. It just keeps getting worse. Gratefully, Simon stops the final group before they can finish, telling them "that was an absolute, total mess."

Watch video of three different groups messing up "Get Ready" (Maryn Azoff, Austin Sisneros, J.B Ahfua, Shelby Swartwood, Julissa Veloz)

The rehearsal footage of the Action Squad -- Alex Wagner-Trugman, Ryan Pinkston, Anne Marie Boskovich and Emily Wynne-Hughes -- seems to indicate they spent more time figuring out their team name and dance moves rather than their singing, and it shows. They sound like crap together on Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)," though individually they weren't bad. Sadly Ryan, who sounded great at the top of the number, flubs his lyrics and is cut, as is Emily. She's sad, but he's pissed, saying he saw evil in Paula Abdul's eyes, which the producers turn devil red to funny effect. Alex and Anne Marie move on to the next round.

Watch video Team Action Squad (Alex Wagner-Trugman, Ryan Pinkston, Anne Marie Boskovich, Emily Wynne-Hughes)

Music teacher Danny Gokey seems to be the leader of his group, the Rainbow Coalition, which also includes, no surprise, Jamar Rogers and Taylor Vaifanua. They decide to do an a cappella version of Queen's "Somebody to Love," and their harmonies sound just great. Randy Jackson tells them, "Nice harmonies, guys," and Simon calls it a very, very good performance and says he likes the fact that they were brave enough to do it on their own. They all make it through. And we must say that we love Danny's voice more and more each time we hear it. We're pumped.

Watch video Team Rainbow Coalition (Danny Gokey, Jamar Rogers, Taylor Vaifanua)

It's good news all around for a few groups singing Grand Funk Railroad's "Some Kind of Wonderful," including contestants Jeremy Michael Sarver, Adam Lambert, Matt Breitzke and Jesse Langseth. We like Adam, but Kara really adores him, calling him an incredible singer. Kudos also go to the others, but the surprise for us was the previously unseen and unheard Jesse (sister of Grammy Award-winning artist Johnny Lang) who sounds like a real contender. We can't wait to hear more from her.

Watch video different groups singing "Some Kind of Wonderful" (Jeremy Michael Sarver, Adam Lambert, Matt Breitzke, Jesse Langseth)

There are just three groups left, and we're looking forward to none of them, because they are the drama queens. First up is Team Diva -- Lauren Barnes, Katrina Darrell, Rose Flack and Jasmine Murray -- singing Duffy's "Mercy," and they're going to need some. They decide to put their differences aside for the greater good, but it does nothing to help. Jasmine is in great voice, and when Rose does remember her lyrics sounds good, as well, but her lack of concentration will get her eliminated. It doesn't take a genius to see they haven't rehearsed together and Simon wants to know why. Lauren, Simon points out, tries to be PC, saying some people weren't feeling well the night before, but he demands a name. Katrina blames her absence on her scolioses, saying she was in high heels from 5 in the morning, then up until 3, but he's not having it. Kara asks Lauren to step forward and then Katrina, who knows the end is neigh, but couldn't care less. Never having met a camera she didn't like, she starts voguing. Kara says to the other judges and to Simon's amusement, "OMG, look at her, she just totally posed." Rose is also told to step forward and the three are cut. Rose and Lauren surround Jasmine, but Bikini Girl just struts off, still aping to the camera, while Kara says, "She must be ready for her closeup. Damn what a [bitch? The expletive was deleted by the producers]." In a group interview afterward, Lauren says some people had better work ethics than others. Bikini Girl says "OMG" and stomps off. Katrina later tells the camera, "They're just fake girls," and with a shrug, "They don't mean anything to me," and with a giggle and a hand gesture to her shoulder, "Brush your shoulder off." Yes, Kara, what a bitch.

Watch video of Team Diva (Lauren Barnes, Katrina Darrell, Rose Flack, Jasmine Murray)

Tatiana and ensemble are next, doing "I Want You Back." Mila Hiluf, doesn't sound bad, but the backing harmonies are horrendous. The group is stopped while Tatiana is still doing her solo, and she continues past the cutoff, then steps back in line. As the singers await their fates, Tatiana, thinking she is being cute, makes another attempt to be noticed, by singing "I wanna get through," but is quickly chastised by the judges, who hold up their hands and tell her, "None of that today." There's no question she would have been cut for that alone if she hadn't cut some kind of deal with the producers. The group sounded like such crap together that we're stunned when all of them are put through. And now we're really beginning to fear the prophesy of Tatiana's psychic friend who said she'd make it to the Top 12.

Watch video of Muna Hiluf and Tatiana Del Toro

Finally, the last group, Team Compromise, or should that be Compromised? Minus Tatiana, they're back to the original three, Nathanial Marshall, Nancy Wilson and Kristin McNamara. After del Toto's departure the evening before, the drama continued for the group when Kristin insisted she needed to rest her voice and Nancy got on her case because they needed to rehearse, while Nate stood on the sidelines, crying and carrying on like a girl. Bleech! It's ironic, because Nancy who seemed to be taking the assignment very seriously will get cut, while the two others will remain safe. When they come on stage and Nate says their name is Compromise, Cowell asks if they got along. Nancy immediately says, "no," so Simon asks Kristin, who he calls Blondie, how she responds to that. She's whines that she's just so tired of the drama, that it's so distracting and she wants it to go away. Simon says, "So you won't be having dinner together tonight?" And Blondie, wide-eyed, says "Me and you?" Oy. They begin to sing Duffy's "Mercy." Crying boy looks and sounds good and Blondie sounds better than good. Nancy, well, she sucks. Screws up the lyrics and is totally off key. Simon says it's obvious they don't like each other and they sounded like they were trying to sabotage each other on backups. He then says that he thinks one of the girls is safe and the other isn't. It's as simple as that. Kristin tries to make a supportive move toward the crying Nancy, who moves away from Kristin. Paula pronounces the judges results and Crying Boy tries to hug Nancy, the only one cut, but she turns away from him and walks off. There's no love in this room tonight. Nancy walks past Kristin, and from the double bleep we're pretty sure she says f**k you to her. And so it goes.

Watch video of Team Compromise (Nathanial Marshall, Nancy Wilson, Kristin McNamara)

Next week: Hollywood Week continues and the Top 36 are announced.

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© 2009

American Idol Season 8Salt Lake City Auditions

Forgive us if we yawn, but we're getting bored by the American Idol Season 8 auditions at this point, and they're actually shorter than last year's. Perhaps the producers need to go back to drawing board and rethink the number of weeks auditions should last, again. Instead of the current three weeks (though they snuck in an extra night on this, the third week), they should shorten them to two weeks next year by running two different cities on each night of Week 1, when the shows run two hours each evening. Hate to say it, but we're dreading sitting through today's last show, covering New York and Puerto Rico. Or maybe we're just bored because the contestants in Salt Lake City, Utah -- where Ryan Seacrest told us everybody is really happy (perhaps too happy) -- were for the most part boring.

Salt Lake City is famous for singers, among them David Archuleta and the Osmond (as in the Donny and Marie) family. So it came as no surprise, at least to the producers, that an Osmond auditioned. David Osmond, 29, is the son of Alan Osmond, the oldest of the original Osmond Brothers singing group. Both Alan and his son are afflicted with multiple sclerosis, which has flareups so bad it can be terribly incapacitating. Until recently, David was in a wheelchair. At the time the show was taped he appeared hale and hearty and Osmond good-looking. He performs Take 6's "Something Within Me," and it is pleasant. Period. His voice was OK, but neither it nor his song selection moved us. They were as bland as the Osmonds' bland good looks. The judges aren't overly enthusiastic either: Paula Abdul says David is so used to singing harmonies, he picked a song by a group that didn't feature his voice as a frontman; Randy Jackson says it wasn't his favorite song for an audition, while Kara DioGuardi says a song with all those runs doesn't tell the judges what kind of artist he'd be. Finally, Simon Cowell tells David that if he thinks he's contemporary he's going to be making a huge, massive mistake, because it will not work. So after all that less-than-positive feedback, no golden ticket. Right? Wrong. Yawn. Not a good start.

Watch video of David Osmond

The blandness spell is broken by bill collector Tara Mathews, 21, who claims she is not goth, that's just the way she dresses. All we know is that if we saw her approaching we'd pay up on our bills real fast. She also says she has "ESP pretty strong." Apparently her psychic powers don't work on her own future or she wouldn't have wasted her time -- and ours -- by showing up. She is a large woman with greasy bright red hair wearing a mini-length black dominitrix-looking outfit, complete with garters. She's scary looking in all the wrong non-dominitrix-like ways. Simon's eyes literally bug out like a cartoon when she enters the room. And when she announces she'll be singing "Some Day I'll Fly Away," from the "Moulin Rouge" soundtrack, Randy says, "of course," which we've come to know as code for "this is going to be a really bad can-I-keep-from-laughing audition." Simon tells her the whole thing was horrendous, from the outfit to the song choice. And what was even more frightening, he adds, is that she sounded like a baby. She doesn't hang around to listen to any more critiques, and gives the camera the finger -- multiple times -- on her exit.

Watch video of Tara Mathews

Three snippets of scary voiced-auditions are up next, including 19-year-old homemaker Aleesha Turner, killing (not in a good way), Carrie Underwood's "Last Name," and 18-year-old student Katie Sullivan, doing an overly theatrical version of "Gorgeous." In her case, singing "Look at me, I am gorgeous," was not convincing in the least. And as if that weren't enough, we conclude with Rich Kagel, 27, but who looks like a 47-year-old washed-up, drugged-out rocker from the 80s, unsuccessfully attempting "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." Rescue us. Please.

Watch video of Aleesha Turner, Katie Sullivan and Rich Kagel

And we were not yet done with bad contestants, though the next one wasn't nearly as bad and at least amusing. Chris Kirkham, a 26-year-old telemarketer, came to the audition with his good-luck charm, his very large friend Greg dressed in a pink bunny suit. As Chris says, some people bring a rabbit's foot, I brought the whole rabbit. Chris also wore a T-shirt with a drawing of Simon and carried a die-cut of the same image. Simon initially looked annoyed with the hare and props, but ultimately got a laugh out of the whole thing, especially after he received a bunny hug that literally lifted him off the ground. As for the singing, Chris wasn't terrible, but sounded a bit like a cross between a country singer and a Munchkin from the Wizard of Oz, first singing "Roll to Me," by Del Amitri and then "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" (is this a popular Salt Lake City song or just one suggested by the producers?). His big mistake was not auditioning in Jacksonville, where the judges put through a number of tryouts with no better voices than his. At least Chris was a good loser, saying "I got to meet and sing my songs. I guess they didn't approve, but what can you do?"

Watch video of Chris Kirkham and Greg the bunny

Before a commercial break, Ryan asks the musical question: Is waitress and mom Frankie Jordan, 24, the next Amy Winehouse? Whether he asked that because she sounds like Winehouse when she sings Winehouse's "You Know I'm No Good," or because she kinda resembles a very cleaned-up and much better-looking version of the singer, we don't know. She does have a nice voice as well as a bubbly and enthusiastic personality, -- the kind the judges seem to be seeking this season. Plus, she's got a great stage name. Simon tells her, "I actually quite like you. I quite like your voice and you've got a cute little face." Paula tells her she's got a very good defineable voice and that she's got it. Frankie receives four easy yesses.

Watch video of Frankie Jordan

Next up is newly divorced mom and font designer Meghan Corkrey, 23, a all-American natural beauty with Alice in Wonderland hair reminiscent of Cheryl Tiegs and Christie Brinkley -- a look that is a bit at odds with her fully tattooed right arm. We sense Meghan will get through on her looks alone. She sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" from the musical "Showboat," too fast for our taste and with no attention to phrasing. She has an interesting voice, but interesting can mean you like it or don't. We're on the fence with it, but tending toward liking it if she got some training. It could even be distinctive. We're wondering what the judges think. Randy tells her, "I kinda like you, man. There's something there." Paula tells her, "I really like you. I'm bordering on loving you. I think I'm loving you." Simon says, "One of my favorite auditions. Because you're different. You know, you are one of the few I'm going to remember" (though he later says that about another contestant and at the end of the show can't remember either of their names). He continued, "I like you, I like your voice. I mean, seriously good voice. I loved it." Kara tells her, "You're an interesting girl. You have a glow about you. You have an incredible face." Do you even need to ask? Of course, she's going to Hollywood.

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Not going to Hollywood is student Andrew Gibson, 21, who thinks he has a soul vibe. What he has is a very deep voice. He sings Harry Belafonte's "Oh Let Me Fly" ending first in a note deep enough to bury a body, then doing another take to prove his range by ending with a soaring high-pitched note. Simon tells him, "It's not going to work, is it?" Andrew shrugs, as Simon continues, "That was not my definition of soul." The judges conclude that instead of having soul, he has a soul. Buh-buy, Andrew.

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Salt Lake City is filled with clean-cut all-American kids and next up was one of them, senior class president Austin Sisneros, 17, who is there to show his can-do spirit and "to inspire people and to tell them it's OK to follow their dreams." Damn, he is so good and pure, he has angel wings on the back of his T-shirt, LOL. Frankly Austin is a little too slick for us to believe he is the real deal, but what do we know? Maybe we're just jaded from living an urban/suburban life. Austin sings Train's "When I Look to the Sky," which the judges are not familiar with, and it doesn't work to his advantage, perhaps because they can't be sure he's doing it well. Randy thought it was OK, but called it a very weird, strange song choice and not the greatest song for Andrew. Austin's response, "I feel like you guys, you don't want me to fail. You want me to do good, right?" See? Some might call that having an optimistic, upbeat attitude. We call it calculated. Fortunately, Simon responded with, "Austin, we haven't quite joined the fan club yet." Yea, Simon. So Austin comes up with another song: "It Takes a Village," by Raffi, the children's singer. OMG. The thing is, Austin has a really sweet voice. Not as sweet as David Archuleta's, but nice and pure. Randy likes his voice and wants to give him another chance. Kara says there is something genuine (not) about him and he has a nice face. Paula believes in him and thinks he's charming. Simon tells him, "Austin, it's very simple. You've just got to become young. But for your age, you could be great, because you're likeable. Four yesses, off you go."

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We just get a snippet of student Jarrett Burns, 24, but it's enough to know he's going to make it to Hollywood when we hear his spin on Corinne Bailey Rae's "Put Your Records On." Damn, he sings it better than all the women do.

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Taylor Vaifanua, 16, is another tryout they keep pushing before the commercial breaks, with a clip of Randy saying she has the best vocals he's heard this season. Taylor and her family moved back to the states from Samoa so the children would have more opportunities. Taylor is tall and slightly reminiscent of Jordin Sparks, another 16-year-old who won the competition two years ago. She sings "Joyful Joyful," and frankly we're nowhere has impressed as the judges are. Best voice this season? Hardly. Unless the tour started in Salt Lake City. Nice, pleasant. Sure. Memorable? Not for us. But Kara saw her in the bathroom a few times practicing and says that she knows Taylor really wants this. Randy thinks she has really good natural potential. Paula says she has a good tone to her voice, with Randy chiming in with the clip quote, "I think it's one of the best vocals I've heard since we've been doing this season 8." He adds, "Because of the way you release the notes and the tone, you actually listen to what you are singing and it was on pitch." Taylor gets her golden ticket to ride.

Watch video of Taylor Vaifanua

We return to form with the final contestant being the best sob story of the night who also has a decent voice. In Salt Lake City, the honor(?) goes to endearing Rose Flack, 17, whose dad died when she was 13, and who lost her mom in a car accident when she was 15. She has a brother, but for the past year has been living with the family of a friend. Yes, we cried. So sue us. We liked her spunk (please, don't e-mail us the Lou Grant line on spunk from "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"). Simon likes her look from the moment she enters the room, telling Rose she looks fantastic. And when he asks her to tell him something about herself, Rose, with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, answers, "I'm charming." You know, she is. She sings Carol King's "I Feel the Earth Move." She doesn't have the best voice we've heard in Salt Lake City, but there is something very enchanting about this girl. The judges feel it, too. Paula tells her, "You've got such a beautiful face, such a beautiful aura about you. You're just really cool. Gotta work on the vocals, though." Simon says, "Rose, I didn't think it was the best song choice, but there's something about you that I absolutely love. And you've got something special about you, and I don't know what it is, but you're one of the few I'm going to remember" (careful with that, Simon). Randy tells her it was a good audition and that she has a cool vibe. Kara gives her a definite yes, as do the other three. We hope she makes it past Hollywood week. We want to root for this kid.

Watch video of Rose Flack

And it's a wrap.

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