Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Omaha? More like OMIGOD

Interest must be fading fast for this season's "Idol" auditions. We waited nearly 11 hours after last night's show to post this entry, and the number of videos that "fans" had posted of Tuesday's show was just a fraction of the number we've seen over the past couple of weeks. Hmmmm. Look, there's the shark ... and look, look, here comes Fonzie on water skis ...

The only good thing one can say about Omaha is that the audition show was kept to one hour. When only 19 contestants of the supposed 10,000 tryouts receive a ticket to Hollywood, the whole city needs a ticket to ride. And we don't care.

Very little actual talent was on view in Nebraska. Once again the "Idol" execs dipped into their neverending pot of freak stew and dished up a big bowl of it. At least some of them made us laugh. The person we laughed at the most was 25-year-old former professional wrestler Sarah Whitaker. Now, as Simon would say, "We're not trying to be rude," but c'mon, Sarah's face is scary even without the ridiculous eye makeup. And the rest of the package wasn't any better. She looked liked a dominitrix straight out of "Nightmare Before Christmas," with a laugh that sent chills down the spine. She reminded us of characters who like to torture children and animals in nasty fairy tales. And she did, indeed, sucker punch Ryan Seacrest. (Well, maybe he needs to be slapped around now and then.)

As for
her singing? Just how bad was she? Here were the lyrics to her "song":

"I'm so happy, happy o' lucky me
Things just go my way, living every day
Things that bother you never bother me
do do do do do do do do
Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight
Having a wonderful time."

Simon Cowell: "This is like the soundtrack to this town. It just sums up the whole day."

But you really have to see and hear it for yourselves.

Watch video of goth wrestler Lady Morgue killing the judges with her singing alone:

We should have suspected we were in for an evening of weirdness when the producers opened with a sky shot of a crop circle of the show's logo with the words "Welcome to Omaha." (You can find out how it was created here.)

Next, we discovered that Paula Abdul wasn't there for the beginning of auditions. Her plane was late. Uh-huh.

Opening the show in terms of "talent" was 25-year-old Chris Bernheisel, who said he has waited for this moment for seven years and called the opportunity to audition, "The biggest life-alternating change in my life." Uh-huh. He brought gifts, or as Simon quickly and correctly renamed them, bribes, for the judges. A big stuffed sheepdog for Randy Jackson, a jersey for Simon, who asked why they just couldn't have money, and a small stuffed dog for Paula, which Simon said he would take and just as quickly tossed over his shoulder onto the floor. Chris also brought a little album of pictures of himself with Kelly Clarkson, so we shouldn't have been surprised that his audition song was "Since You've Been Gone." Before performing, he burst into tears, telling the judges how "American Idol" was about giving people a second chance at their dreams (Huh? We thought it was a first chance, or was Chris psychic about all the failed pros that were going to audition for Season 7?), and how he had waited so long for his chance. Of course, he sucked. He then asked to audition to be a Red Carpet interviewer at the finale. Simon told him to tell the local Fox affiliate that they wanted him assigned to cover the finale for them. The way Idol craziness goes, he probably get the gig. And, once more, we're so moving on.

Idol reject Chris Bernheisel "exploding in happiness":

You would have thought when Johnny Escamilla auditioned with his crazy gold lame coat and James Brown moves, singing "Shout," that that would have been the highlight of his video segment. But, no, it was the newly arrived Paula Abdul, whose "late plane" seemed to produce a hiccup highly reminiscent of early-day imbibing. We're sure her hiccuping, giggling and head-on-the-table scenes throughout the Omaha auditions were due to the same jet lag that last year caused Abdul to be less than coherent during a live TV interview. Uh-huh. The hiccup elicited the funniest line of the evening from Simon, who looked at her in (mock?) disgust and exclaimed, "You disgusting little pig!"

Watch video of Johnny Escamilla and piggy Paula:

Of the auditions that were shown, the only name that appears on the Top 24 spoiler list is that of David Cook, who sang "Living on a Prayer" and was inspired to try out by Chris Daughtry's success. All three judges liked him (as we did), although Simon felt him to be a little "too worthy" and Randy wanted to see more personality and movement.

Watch video of David Cook, whose prayers seemed to be answered:

Other Omaha auditions:

Watch video of Samantha Sidley (and Ryan becomeing a judge):

Watch video of Michael Sanfilippo:

Watch video of Arm Wrestler" Rachael Wicker

Watch video of Jason Rich:

Watch video of Angelica Puente:

Watch video of Leo Marlowe:

Watch video of "Stuck in the Middle" medley of losers:

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© 2008

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